Struggles of Life
by Hasenpfeffer
Summary: "Some days, Yato felt like he was going to die. Whether it be tomorrow or a thousand years from now, he knew that he would eventually fade from existence, and that thought scared him." Yato angst. Anime-verse.
1. Noragami

**Noragami~Stray God**

* * *

Some days, Yato felt like he was going to die. So few people believed in him anymore, he was surprised that he still existed. He was more known as a myth than anything. Just some scary bedtime story that few parents told their children to keep them in line. _If you don't behave, the evil god Yato will come for you. He comes in the middle of the night to slay naughty children who don't obey their parents._

This was a lie, of course. Yato had never killed any children per se, but he _had_ killed. So many mortals had died by his hand that he couldn't count them anymore.

It was detestable really, but that's what a god of calamity did. In those days, lesser gods were desperate. They took any job offered, no matter what it was, or ceased to exist. They had to kill or be killed. It was still sort of like that, only now nobody wanted calamity gods. It was a time of peace, and had been or ages. Jobs were even harder to come by now. He had thought he was struggling before, but now he knew better. Every day he lost wishers, and every day became more of a struggle. He could almost feel himself fading away.

Such was the life of a god of calamity. Who was he to think any differently? He had seen others waste away to nothing. He had heard their desperate pleas for someone-anyone-to remember them, their despairing cries as they realized the truth- they were disappearing and could do nothing about it. Deep down, Yato knew the same would happen to him someday. Whether it be tomorrow or a thousand years from now, he knew that he would eventually fade from existence, and that thought scared him. He was actually surprised that he'd lasted this long. He was unknown and unwanted. Nothing of consequence, reduced to wandering the streets and almost begging for work. Heck, he was even worse off than the very god of poverty! He'd even reformed and changed his title, hiding his former self behind a mask because it was considered unwanted and vile. Still, because he was born out of war and calamity, its essence was threaded through every fiber of his being. He could never make it go away, only suppress it.

 _Messenger god, hah! Who are you going to fool?_ Not even his shinki wanted to be around him. He'd lost so many already. Every single one had left him behind, because of what? Because he was homeless, shrineless, a beggar on the streets. A Noragami: a stray god. What shinki would want to follow him when there were better gods out there? _Hey Bishamon, I called you better than me, are you happy now?!_ Of course, there was always Nora the stray, but he refused to use her ever again. As low as he could be, he had lines now that he would not cross, and she was one of them. No, he'd rather fade to nothing than to revive his old life and use her again to cause destruction. But who was he trying to fool? He was a god of calamity. Destroying is what he did. By saying he wouldn't go back, he was destroying himself. Soon, he would fade to nothing, and there wasn't anything he could do about it but grab at straws. He was weak, only a shadow of what he used to be. His followers were gone. He was alone, hanging by a mere thread, but he was also a war god, and war gods did not give up. He would carry on in his measly existence, hoping that one day, a savior would come. A follower who truly believed in him. Until then, all he could do was wait. He would put on his carefree, optimistic mask and pretend nothing was wrong. He would cling to hope, because without it, he was truly nothing.

Alone in the corner of a dark alley, the messenger god Yato sighed heavily, leaning back against a brick wall and closing his eyes, clutching his bottle of savings. Maybe tomorrow would bring better results.

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 **A/N: I dunno where this came from, but it happened. This is completely anime-verse so no intentional spoilers for the manga exist in this fanfiction. There are slight references to it, but nothing that gives stuff away. I wrote this first chapter before reading much of the manga, so please bear with any inaccuracies that may become glaringly obvious when season two of the anime comes out. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!**


	2. Kodokunagami

**Kodokunagami~Lonely God**

* * *

Yato didn't know what to think anymore. He'd thought he was all alone. He'd thought that he had nothing important- nobody who believed. He merely survived by jumping from job to job, hoping that the memory of himself would last long enough to get the next customer. Then he met that… _girl_. Hiyori. She somehow defied all logic and reason. People were supposed to forget, never remember his face no matter how many times he ran into them, but she never did. Everywhere he went and no matter what he did, she just kept coming back.

What's more, she actually went and separated her soul from her body trying to _save his life_. Not that the truck would have killed him anyway, but it was the thought that counted. How she even saw him on the street he would never know, but she managed to push him out of the way. Seriously, it was like she was haunting him or something. All the same, he couldn't help but be glad. Though the thought made him incredibly nervous, he knew that she could honestly become his first consistent follower. The thought sent butterflies through his chest. Did he dare hold onto that hope? Even now, there was every chance of her forgetting his existence. The more he became attached, the harder it would be to see her forget. At the same time, if he stayed away, it was almost certain that she would stop believing. It was nearly an impossible choice to make.

Steeling his nerves, he made his final decision. He would hold on. He just had to make sure he would never let go.

Yato laid back on the edge of the roof, letting out a puff of air and swinging his legs back and forth as they dangled over the edge. Absently, he took his phone out, flipping it open to see if he had any messages. The little mail icon had a zero next to it. Bored, he opened his text messages and started typing.

 _Hey Hiyori, how's Yuki doing?_

 _Is he being good?_

 _Did you lose him again?_

 _What are you doing right now?_

 _Why are you not replying? Is your phone dead or something?_

 _Are you ignoring me? :'(_

There was a small _bing_ and Yato scrambled to look at the text.

 _Stop texting me Yato, I'm in school right now._

Yato grinned like an idiot.

 _Hiyori! I knew you wouldn't leave me! :D_

There was another _bing_.

 _Shut up, or I really will ignore you. BTW, don't forget about my contract._

Yato winced as he read the message. To be honest, the one reason that was stopping him from granting her wish was that he simply didn't know _how_. As embarrassing as it was, it was the truth. Not that he would admit that to Hiyori, of course. Flipping the phone shut, the messenger god closed his eyes. He'd text her again in a couple of hours. Until then, he didn't have much else to do. Even with the threat she'd replied with, Yato felt glad, because he knew, he _knew_ that she hadn't forgotten yet.

He hoped she never would.


	3. Mamorigami

**Mamorigami~Protective God**

* * *

Sometimes, Yato didn't know what he was doing. The blight got worse every day that passed, and he didn't do anything to stop it. Most gods would have kicked out or killed their regalia for stinging them just once, yet Yato still hadn't done a single thing.

He'd known full well that the teenaged ones were the hardest when he took on Yukine, but the blond was an especially tough egg to crack. The kid was stubborn. There was no doubt about that. He'd never seen a child with such an affinity for sin.

Sure, the kid knew what he was doing was wrong, but Yato didn't think he realized the full consequences of _what he was doing_. Yukine believed that the whole world revolved around _him,_ and nobody else mattered. He thought that since he was now technically dead, there was no right or wrong; he could do anything he wanted without consequence, because nobody could see him. Oh how wrong he was. No matter how many times Yato slapped the back of the blond's head or tried to tell him, he stubbornly refused to listen.

This was why he hated kids…

But still, Yato couldn't bring himself to abandon the boy. As much of a literal pain in the neck he was, the god couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Especially since…

 _Dad came home drunk again._

 _No! He's after me! I've gotta hide!_

 _Don't touch me! I don't want to be hurt again…_

 _It's so dark… I don't like it. How long will I be locked in here this time?_

 _I'm lonely…_

 _Blood… so much blood._

 _When will this nightmare stop?_

 _I'm so scared._

Yato jerked himself out of the memories, sniffling and wiping roughly at his eyes. Whenever a god took in a spirit, they gained all of their past memories. The regalia themselves didn't remember anything, and it was the gods' job never to reveal it to them. Nothing good ever came out of that. Yukine's past was filled with pain, loneliness, and terror, and Yato was glad that he couldn't remember. When he'd taken him in, he hadn't been prepared for the onslaught of horrible memories that assaulted his mind. It had taken all he could to focus on slaying the monster before he let himself fully acknowledge Yukine's past. From the memories, Yato knew the blond's greatest fears.

Yukine was scared of the dark, of being alone and abandoned. The kid desperately needed a constant in his life, a proper parent; someone who would care for him and love him unconditionally. Yato knew what it was like to be alone more than anyone, and he refused to watch another person go through that if he had any say about it. He wouldn't wish his life upon anybody. No, he was not going to let Yukine go. The kid deserved a chance, and no other god would give that. If it resulted in his own death, then so be it.

He believed in Yukine, and he hoped with all his heart that Yukine had faith in him too.

Yato winced and grunted, gripping the back of his neck. Yukine had stung him again. Time to go see what the kid was up to: stealing, no doubt. He stood up, forcing the pain to the back of his mind. All things required a price to pay. If this was his, then so be it. He was going to give Yukine the best chance he could, even if it killed him in the process. After all, he didn't have much else to live for.


	4. Kachinonaigami

**Kachinonaigami~Worthless God**

* * *

Sometimes, Yato felt like the entire world-no- _universe_ was pitted against him. He'd tried so hard to reform, leave the past behind and become some semblance of a respectable god, but here he was… again. It seemed like he just wasn't supposed to get a happy ending. It made him so frustrated he just wanted to smash his head against a wall.

Fate was cruel.

The past couple days, with Hiyori still there and Yukine having repented, he'd just been so _happy_. How could he not be, when it had seemed that everything was better- finally, the great god Yato had done something right. He should have known it wouldn't last. Of course. He had worse luck than the god of misfortune, so why should anything ever go his way? No matter what title he went by, all he ever seemed to bring was misery and death.

Maybe he really should just fade away and die.

 _But what about Yukine?_ A voice in his head asked. Yato sobered at the thought. He couldn't abandon Yukine. His shinki was his number one priority. The kid had just been healed too…

 _What was he going to do?_ Just that morning he'd been told that the only way to fulfill Hiyori's wish was to cut ties with her. A feeling of cold dread had settled uncomfortably in his gut. He'd wanted to forget what he'd heard, run away and pretend that he'd never found out- but he couldn't avoid the truth. In a way, he despised himself more than ever. _Coward_.

He had been born to cut ties and kill without batting an eye. It was the only thing he knew how to do right. So why did he now hate himself for it?

He was once again left with an impossible choice; Let Hiyori slowly die from separating from her body too much, or make her forget months' worth of memories and doom himself and Yukine? Maybe he was fooling himself about his price. He'd survived well enough this long without her, right? _Well enough_. As if. It all felt like some sort of sick joke.

It was Hiyori who had become his first follower; someone consistent who brought him hope. It was Hiyori who had brought Yukine and carried himself, dying of blight, to Kofuku for help. It was Hiyori who had brought Kazuma to them and helped Yukine repent. Without her, they would both be dead. She was quite literally their lifeline.

Cutting her ties, how could he do that to her? _Or to myself._ He already knew the answer, as much as he didn't want to admit it. The knowledge burned sharply inside of his chest. He couldn't do it. He was too selfish, too cruel; he couldn't even face her and tell her the truth.

Yato closed his eyes, clenching his fist around the five yen piece in his hand. In a sudden fit of anger, he hurled the coin as far as he could, yelling in frustration. It landed with a soft splash into the lake. Yato collapsed on his knees, hands clenched and resting on his thighs, staring at the drops of water splashing onto his pants through clouded eyes. How could he call himself a god when he couldn't even help the one human he cared about most? He couldn't even look her in the eyes and tell her _why_.

 _I'm sorry Hiyori, but you've given me the one wish I just cannot fulfill. I really am a worthless god, aren't I?_


	5. Iyashinogami

**Iyashinogami~Healing God**

* * *

Yato felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders. He could still barely believe it. Hiyori losing her memories had terrified him. Watching that tiny fragile ball shatter just above his fingers, dissolving to nothing, had left Yato furious. He'd been so upset that he'd almost reverted back to his old ruthless self. And then… she came back. Hiyori- wonderful, amazing Hiyori- had somehow brought herself back. He didn't know why or how, nor did he care. All that mattered was her memories were back, and she was okay. She was alive, he and Yukine were alive, and in that moment, Yato had felt like nothing could crush his spirit.

Hope was a precious thing. Victory was even better. He finally had victory.

Sure, not all of his problems were solved. He was still homeless, shrineless, and begging for work, but no longer was he a hopeless god, left to pick at scraps and stuck in a dark alley all alone. He had friends. A loyal shinki. Best of all, he had a follower who was there to stay. Things were finally looking up.

Yato stared at the new five yen piece in his palm. It was amazing how something so small could mean so much. The coin wasn't just five yen, it was a promise. A vow that Hiyori would always remember. He would never be forgotten again. It was something Yato had yearned for all his life, and having it brought such a sweet feeling of relief. Hiyori's words still echoed in his head:

 _"I'm not turning my back on you, I want to be with you forever."_

Yato smiled fondly at the memory. It was something he would remember for the rest of his life. It was amazing what one follower could do. Yato felt like he could take on the world. He felt almost… _giddy_. For the first time in his life, not a single worry was on his mind.

At last, for the moment, all seemed right with the world. He finally felt truly at peace.


End file.
